Parenting a teenager: Do you talk to your child about school life or their problems?

 

SINGAPORE – 2022 was eventful for secondary school student Alastair Chua. He was appointed captain of his school’s volleyball team, and spent many days rehearsing for his role in the school musical.

At home, his mother was unaware that these things were happening. She found out that her teenage son from Clementi Town Secondary School was going to be performing only when her daughter bought tickets to the show.

Naturally introverted, Alastair found it difficult to share parts of his school life with his mother. His mother often came home late from work, not giving them much of an opportunity to catch up on his school life over dinner.

His mother knows that the 16-year-old is shy and reserved. She would occasionally ask questions about how school is going, but would not push her son to share more. Whenever she asked, Alastair would give short, dry answers.

Despite this, the teenager, who took his O levels in 2023, feels that his mum is supportive and appreciates whatever she does for him. He also prefers having clear lines between school and home.

“There’s this mutual understanding that gives me the space to do whatever I am doing in school, and she trusts that I am doing it well. This is her supporting me in her own way, and I know I can approach her whenever I need help. She doesn’t have to be constantly watching over me to show that support,” he said.

Although Alastair likes a hands-off approach, others his age may yearn for more direct support.

An international study released on Dec 5 found that about half of the students in Singapore surveyed felt that their parents do not take an interest in what they are learning in school. The survey was done as part of the Programme for International Student Assessment (Pisa) 2022 test.

Just 47 per cent said their parents ask them at least once a week about any problems they might have at school, compared with the Organisation for Economic Cooperation and Development average of 57 per cent.

This is despite close to nine in 10 of them reporting that they eat their main meal with their parents, the survey found.

Dr Jean Liu, adjunct assistant professor of psychology at Yale-NUS College and National University of Singapore (NUS) Yong Loo Lin School of Medicine, noted that around one in four students in Singapore reported in the Pisa 2022 survey being distracted by digital devices within the classroom.

“At home, digital devices can get in the way of us connecting with each other,” she said. “Research also suggests that children and adolescents feel ignored by parents when parents use their phones while interacting with them. It’s worth setting aside quality, no-phone times to listen to our children and let them know we’re here for them.”

Assistant professor of psychology and child and human development at the National Institute of Education Cheung Hoi Shan said it may be difficult for parents to become fully aware of their teenage child’s school and social lives outside of home, because what they know depends on the level of disclosure by their children.

She said: “Parents could also work in close collaboration with the school teachers to understand more about how the child is coping in school, beyond academics.”

Interactions between Alastair and his mother started to change after he met with a traffic accident in September 2022. Due to injuries, he could not walk properly or eat solid food for months.

He needed additional help and monitoring when he returned to school, and his teachers updated his mother with pictures. The boy also opened up more when his mother asked him more about school life.

Prof Cheung said that cultivating an open channel for communication from the child’s early years will be helpful, as it builds the foundation for continued interaction through the teenage years.

For 40-year-old Venesh Nash and his 16-year-old daughter, sharing with each other about their day has been a norm in the household.

He said: “My wife and I take turns to communicate with her daily, but we are also mindful of giving her space. We share a bond between the three of us where we can truly share about anything that happens.

“Especially when they reach the teenage age, we must be their best friends in order for them to share their daily life with us. If we feel that she has had a bad day, we won’t keep asking her what happened in school as we know once she is more composed she will open up to us.”

Family life specialist from Focus on the Family Singapore Chong Ee Jay said that it may not necessarily be a bad thing if parents are not asking their children much about school.

He said: “This could suggest that besides academics, today’s parents are more aware of other aspects of their children’s overall well-being. Parents might be more aware that their kids are already spending a lot of time on academics/school-related matters, and thus shy away from such conversations about school matters.”

Mr Nash and his wife try not to discuss grades with their daughter, and instead encourage her to do her best in whatever she loves and is passionate about.

Mr Chong said that teenagers seek autonomy in decision-making.

He said peer pressure could make teens feel that being close to or sharing things with parents is not considered “cool”, and differences in worldview would cause tensions or conflicts if there is no understanding.

Children and teens can also be rash in actions and loose with words due to lack of maturity, he added.

“Often, the lack of tolerance results in escalation of conversations to conflicts. When unresolved, it becomes a barrier (to) future communications.”

Another parent, who wanted to be known only as Madam Ho, said she does not force conversations with her teenagers if she can tell they do not want to open up.

She said she takes it as a day-by-day process and continues to try connecting with them.

“I want to work towards a strong bond, how can a parent give up on their child? Don’t let them shut their doors on you. But of course, go slow and don’t push too hard.”

                                                                  (Coppied from The Straits Times)

Link: https://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/parenting-a-teenager-do-you-talk-to-your-child-about-school-life-or-their-problems